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It’s about failures in your relationship that you two are acknowledging or discussing

admin April 04, 2024 0 Comment

I don’t think this is about control – I think it has to do with fear. I think your girlfriend feels like you tried to play the field behind her back. Is her opinion valid? Maybe not – only you and her can know that for sure. But I do think that this isn’t about just platonic friendships. And it’s also about your failure to listen to your girlfriend and understand how she could come up with the opinion that she did. She put four years in you – I doubt she wants to just give that up or feel like she wasted her twenties. There’s something more going on and you need to figure that out, communicate with her, and help alleviate your fears before you turn resentful, stubborn, and continue to not communicate with your girlfriend. posted by Stynxno at 5:38 PM on [23 favorites]

I know that it’s fun and easy for all of the MeFi men to get their frustrations out on teh wimmins, but come ON.

OK, I mostly agree that she shouldn’t be doing this, but I’m going to play devil’s advocate a little here.

But, second, I’m dubious about men and women being in successful friendships when either one is in a relationship

But, first, I don’t think this girl should be acting like this for her own sake. It doesn’t sound to me like the OP is about to cheat on his girlfriend, and particularly not with this other woman. She can’t be 100% sure about it, it’s true. Everyone’s a bit jealous, a bit insecure. But the way to deal with that is not to say “I forbid you from seeing other women kauniit malesialainen-naiset!” cos it’s counter-productive. If a guy was thinking of cheating he’ll still find a way to cheat. If it hadn’t occurred to him to cheat, it might well do all of a sudden given the combination of controlling girlfriend, who suddenly seems a lot less attractive, and the “forbidden friend”. Cleverest and most attractive way to deal with jealousy is to hide it, be all easygoing, assume the best, don’t waste time obsessing over potential cheating, but strictly and mercilessly DTMFA if cheating ever occurs, never looking back.

She probably feels that there are problems in your relationship and she sees this new “friend” as an attempt by you to leave your girlfriend behind for someone else

I don’t mean in some corny “such friends will inevitably want to have sex” way, though FWIW I can’t imagine being friends with a woman that I wasn’t attracted to in some way (I also can’t imagine being friends with a guy I wasn’t “attracted” to, in that I’d have to like them in some way though it’d be a liking that led to nowhere, whereas liking women sometimes – often – leads my thoughts in certain directions even where I wouldn’t physically follow, being a civilised young citizen in control of my minor twitches and all that).

No, what I mean by being dubious about this idea of opposite-sex relationships being just like any other friendship is this: my girlfriends have in the past, without my batting an eyelid, done various activities with their female friends, including going dancing, swimming (sometimes naked), staying up late in each other’s rooms drinking wine, sharing clothes, excessive hugging, discussing my numerous faults, going on holiday together, staying over in each other’s apartments, staying over in each other’s beds. and most or some or all of these would be totally unacceptable behavior with a male friend, to me, to them, and to the majority of the above posters no doubt. My girlfriends could not have done some of these things with a male friend and then said to me, “What’s the big deal? He’s my friend.” So, you know, lines are drawn somewhere, and friends aren’t all equal, and, while I think the girl in the question is being a bit stupid about drawing the line at phone calls or whatever really mild activity comes next, I don’t think she’s necessarily nuts. She just needs to be taught to redraw those lines. This thing can work out, with some intelligent chatting from both sides. posted by cincinnatus c at 6:09 PM on [6 favorites]

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